My rought-draft manifesto

Manifesto: a public declaration of intentions, opinions, objectives, or motives, as one issued by a government, sovereign, or organization.
Sovereign: a monarch; a king, queen, or other supreme ruler.
I am the queen of this apartment, so I can write manifestos.

Introduction: Being a mother is one of the most important things to me and about me. Being a wife might be more important, and I strongly believe that you need to put your spouse above your children, but I don't think that's the direction this particular manifesto will go (but who knows, it's a rough draft). This is in shocking contrast to myself exactly 10 years ago when I loathed the idea of having children, thought motherhood was a trap for women to keep them down, and generally hated the fact that I was a girl. I even refused to buy bras for far too long because of it. 2 years later I did a complete turn-about when I was 16 at EFY (Elsha, you remember this!) and went from hating womanhood to loving it, hating modesty to embracing it, detesting church to actually enjoying it.... I'm not sure if this is when I quit hating my dad, too - that might have been a bit later, but surely not by far (sorry, dad!). Of course things fluctuated and I hit some gray areas of my life, even dabbling back in the black, but eventually I got myself straightened out ("thank goodness!" my parents sigh). However, I never forgot that it is actually a gift to be a girl (and a boy, but that's not what this is about) and I re-formulated my life plans to include getting married and probably having kids. The closer that time in my life got, the more readily I embraced these plans, until - magically - I met a guy who had the same plans as I did! Marriage and 18 months later, 1+1=3 and now I am actually LIVING those life plans of being a stay-at-home mother and I am now facing the somewhat daunting task of raising my own child(ren) to be honest, hard-working contributors to society.

Actual Manifesto: Although my child is INFINITELY important to me I believe I would be doing him a disservice to make him the center of my life. Hear me out. Children grow with love and support, and should be led by example. Often, however, I see that children are being put in the spotlight, their every move on display while they are completely the center of attention. This puts them in a difficult position to learn from examples because there is no one setting an example, just people looking at them to do something cute (this is on the list of why I love/hate cameras). Raised as the center of attention they are not taught to put others needs before their own, to be helpful, to be kind, and to be patient. There is an epidemic of children who need praise to simply function; they think their most basic actions (drawing on paper, peeing in the toilet, not hitting their neighbor) are praiseworthy and special. Sure, some things DO deserve praise - I prefer rewards of praise than threats of punishment when learning something new (I'm thinking: potty training). But do kids really need to be complimented every time they poop? That's not amazing, it's a simple skill required for survival in society! Some drawings ARE really special, but what if it's just a doodle? Who cares?

The extent of "helicopter" parenting kinda freaks me out. Parents hover over their child as they do whatever it is that they're doing, assuring them they they are amazing and talented, and making sure they can't fail. We are SUPPOSED to fail, we are supposed to learn from our mistakes, we are supposed to get picked last for kickball so we can have empathy and we are supposed to feel sad so we can understand how to make ourselves happy again. It is not wrong to NOT be the smartest, the fastest, or the prettiest, and I think parents do a big disservice when they expect their kid to be any or all of the above. And praise won't get them there, it will just make them scared of NOT getting there, which makes them scared of trying - if you try, you might fail. I believe this is leading to an entire generation NOT TRYING. Not getting married - marriages might fail. Not trying to work out failing marriages - they didn't sign up for NOT being the center of attention! Not ever leaving college - they might not find a job in their degree, so they'd better stay in college! Get a masters! Or a PhD! Help, I'm almost out of college!*

*I'm not saying anyone pursuing a second degree (Joe) or a PhD (dad) is trying to avoid life, or that anyone who did 4 years and out is a total go-getter. But is it a coincidence that these examples DID start life the REST of their lives (wife, kids, etc), even while stuck in college?

Now, why don't we let kids have little disappointments when they're little, so they'd know how to handle big disappointments when they grow up? It seems insanely logical to me, yet I feel really nervous letting Patrick fall down, letting him cry it out, letting him crawl around the living room while I cook dinner and pay no attention to him. (Ok, some attention, but he is "alone in the presence of a mother." I'm not involved). I feel nervous because I think others interpret my actions as being an inattentive mother, inexperienced, or just plain lazy. But I am NOT. I just know that if I am there to entertain Patrick every moment he's awake so he won't feel sad, he'll never learn to entertain himself. If I carry him everywhere now because he hates crawling, I'll be carrying him everywhere until I have our next baby, and then he'll be ticked that he's "replaced." I can hope that when he is older and his actions have more consequences that people will not interpret his broken arm as "child negligence" but I know that those helicopter parents out there will. I will be judged, probably harshly, which is really tough to accept. But hey, that's what manifestos are for. Telling you my side of the story with my opinions.

I'd like to applaud my own parents; I have SO many childhood memories that my mother is not in. I was at home, why is she not in that memory? Because I was alone (or with my sisters) in the presence of my mother, who was letting me grow up. Thanks, mom. Dad, thanks for waiting it out so you could get back to the good times with me. But you should have yelled at me more, I was really a jerk. And Debbie, thanks for giving Joe so many knuckles on the head - kids need space to grow, but boundaries (especially when they think you're not looking). Last night while reminescing with friends he apologized for all those times in high school he gave you grief. His friends say sorry, too :)